Somewhere Between All and Nothing
by jskurious
Summary: Brittany isn't sure which is scarier, the thought of leaving Lima and finding out what she could accomplish at MIT, or having to do it alone.


_I wrote this pretty much for myself, as sort of a way to get some catharsis after this season and sort of make peace with the story (and with Brittany) so I could just let it go and go on to concentrate on the sequel to Mirror again._

_I do absolutely know it is pretty much trying to make sense of nonsense, but hey, what the hell. I gave it a shot and here it is. Trying to be completely within canon, such as it is, and still at least a little hopeful about something that could come along in the future. _

_It is also one of the first times I wrote a bit of ff that is pretty much smut free (since smut is usually more or less my raison d'etre), but I just went with what felt right for the story and in the end I liked the way it turned out._

_So, here goes. Hope you like it. ;)_

* * *

Brittany was halfway across campus, on her way back to the hotel when it hit her. She felt different.

All week long, as she was lead around the massive campus of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, she was waiting for the punchline. Whatever the MIT equivalent of a slushie to the face would be. She had been secretly praying it wouldn't involve anything like acid or laser beams.

She knew it would only be a matter of time before they all realized this was some big mistake, or joke. When they gave her the test, she threw only a passing glance at their pencil before digging in her bag for a new pack of crayons. Whatever happened here, it was going to be on her own terms. Finishing quickly, barely bothering to glance at the problems, she flipped the page over and was almost ready to spend the rest of her testing time on a nice picture of her and Santana on the back of a giant dolphin that was flying through the clouds.

Instead the dull, tickly feeling that was sometimes in her head grew so strong it almost roared in her ears. With a sigh, she closed her eyes and let the numbers and symbols that sometimes invaded her daydreams come back to her. She'd never told anyone about them. Not even Santana. Although she remembered Santana telling her a few times that she liked to talk about numbers in her sleep.

Now, after a deep breath, she forced herself to concentrate on them, drawing them out one at a time as they swirled through her mind like a puzzle she didn't quite understand.

It was quite a surprise to learn that the puzzle was interesting to other people too. They looked at her like she was something special. Like she was worth flying all the way up here and studying like a lab rat. It was a curious feeling for Brittany, because all her life, she could only remember one other person looking at her like that.

And now, as she was walking back toward the small bus stop that would take her back to her hotel, Brittany let herself for the first time really start to believe she could belong here. She started looking around, noticing all the odd looking people filtering through the busy campus.

There was a guy with two different kinds of shoes walking along and muttering to himself, and a girl with purple tights and a tutu and sparkly wand, who had to weigh 200 pounds, flitting along beside a serious looking boy in a three piece suit with his hands buried in his pockets as they chatted about something. They passed by her and, without a word, the girl did a remarkably graceful pirouette and offered Brittany a rainbow colored pixie stick, smiled at her, and then kept on walking by, saying something about the principles of temporal mechanics before her voice faded away.

Brittany wasn't entirely sure what that meant, but there was a part of her that wanted to chase after them and see if she might be able to figure it out. She looked down at the pixie stick and smiled. Even though she still felt like something was missing, she began to picture herself staying here and feeling at home.

It wasn't until she was packed up and waiting at the airport that it hit her what was missing from the picture, and what would have made this truly Brittany's dream come true.

It was missing Santana.

Not that she thought Santana would like it here. She would probably rather crawl back to Louisville then consider a place like MIT. But of all the people Brittany tried to picture telling about her trip and what the professors had told her, Santana was the only one she knew wouldn't just scoff or look at her with wide eyes like they were trying to calculate how many of Lord Tubbington's pills she had taken by accident.

Even her parents looked skeptical when they had dropped her off at the airport. Until she had showed them the ticket that the school had sent her, they seemed to think it was just another weird game she and Sam had been playing.

As for Sam, Brittany was reasonably sure he was either going to freak out and pretend to be triplets this time, or just ignore it completely and keep planning the fake family vacation to the secret moon colony he always brought up when the two of them ran out of other things to talk about. Despite the fact that she suspected Lord Tubbington actually might have been slipping some pills into Sam's water bottle for the fun of it, Brittany knew it was Sam's way of dealing with things when he felt like they were all out of his control.

And while she was sure Lord Tubbington really would enjoy the moon's reduced gravity, she still hadn't decided how to break it to Sam that he and Lady Tubbington didn't really get along. He secretly thought she was a "insipid troglodyte", whatever that meant, and while Brittany wasn't entirely certain, she suspected her beloved cat actually might actually have a thing for the mangy Tomcat that hung out down the street and hung out with his new 'girlfriend' more to try and be polite.

Telling Santana her news presented a different problem completely. She could almost picture the proud, knowing smile Santana would have. Maybe the good natured "I told you so," since Santana had believed this could happen all along. From the moment they first told her what was happening, Brittany's first thought was that Santana had been right all along.

The problem with telling her amazing news to her former girlfriend was that Santana wasn't actually talking to her these days.

The two of them hadn't spoken since that day in the auditorium, when Brittany might have pushed a little too hard for what really was for Santana's own good. Well, partly at least.

But Brittany hadn't actually realized Santana was upset enough to avoid her until after she had tried to call her. It had taken about three weeks before she had finally come up with the perfect excuse to talk to Santana again, and then another two days to figure out the best way for the conversation to begin, only to discover that Santana wouldn't answer her call.

Brittany knew she was busy. Tina had told her Santana was working with ugly coyotes. Though she still didn't understand what she actually did for them, unless there was some kind of new coyote makeover program she hadn't heard about. And then something about dancing in a cage for a bunch of lesbians, which now meant that Brittany kept having nightmares about Santana locked up in a cage and forced to dance while a bunch of ugly dogs wearing fedoras were nipping at her.

She had been upset with Santana before, feeling lonely and abandoned, maybe a little angry, but there was just something about Santana being totally unreachable that made Brittany's stomach feel queasy, and make her consider doing crazy things like swiping someone else's phone or switching her number just so she could at least hear her voice.

But she knew that wouldn't work. It might have if Santana were just angry, but now it was deeper. Brittany had pushed too hard, making sure Santana would finally let go, for reasons that were both good and not so good, only to remember a little too late that Santana didn't know how to tuck her emotions away in a secret corner to keep them safe from the hurt. She didn't have a way to move on and still carry her feelings around. And a broken heart for her was a wound she would try her best to protect, from Brittany most of all.

Pushing her now would only push her further away. Make her that much harder to really reach.

But as she sat in the Boston airport, all Brittany could see was how close she would be to Santana here. And the idea of being that close and not have Santana in her life was just completely ridiculous and unacceptable.

She thought about text bombing Santana with the news and getting a response out of shock, or the obligatory congratulations to get them started. But then she wouldn't get to see her face when she told her the news. And it would still be too easy for Santana to avoid her.

After boarding the plane and finding her seat, Brittany took out her notebook and broke open a new pack of crayons while she thought about all the things she wanted to do before leaving McKinley, slowly savoring her pixie stick.

Brittany realized that her week here at MIT had given her a newfound sense of confidence. For the first time in more than a year, she felt a little bit in control of her life. Of her future. For the first time in longer than that, it was actually possible to picture a future with Santana. One where they could belong together, because there might be a life for her outside of her high school. One that didn't involve chicken guts.

After finishing her list, the last lines in bright purple, lined in gold, Brittany closed her eyes and let herself dream of sweet lady kisses.

* * *

I check the clock as I yank the door open, not even bothering to shut it behind me as I fly toward the closet. New York traffic can really suck sometimes, and thanks to some electrical malfunction on the subway, I am already five minutes late for my date. Given how much she was drooling at the club the other night, I'm sure she's still waiting, but she's too hot to wait for more than a half hour or so. I pull my phone and wallet out of my bag before tossing it to the side and starting to look around for what to wear.

When the phone rings, I think for a moment it's my date calling to check on me, but I pause when I see who it really is.

My finger hovers over the ignore for just a moment, but then I decide I have to know what is important enough for the guppy-faced moron to work up the balls to call me.

"I'm sorry.. did uh.. hell just freeze over or did you just white chocolate butt dial me?"

"Hey look, I need to talk to you."

Because I never would have got that from the fact that he bothered to call. God, how did I ever stand dating this idiot?

"Sorry, no can do, Trouts, I just got out of dance class and I am already five minutes late for drinks with this insanely hot Off Broadway choreographer." That's probably over sharing, but what the hell. He should get that just because he and Brittany want to live in fairy land doesn't mean the rest of us can't make it just fine out here in the real world.

"It's about Brittany."

"Obviously." I roll my eyes, as if he would call me for any other reason.

"Okay, she broke up with me."

"Inevitably." I smirk. Ok, so maybe fairy land isn't so happy after all. It's not like I didn't try to warn him.

"You know... she's been acting really weird since she met up with those people from MIT, okay? She even dropped out of Regionals."

I pause for a moment, caught somewhere between pride at the thought of Brittany at MIT and vague curiosity. I have seen the posts about it and of course Tina had to call and over-share. Again. I shake off the thoughts though, whatever Brittany is up to isn't really any of my business anymore.

"Ok, and are we sure it's not just Britney 3.0 week in glee club?"

When Brittany wants to get someone's attention, she usually succeeds at it.

"Look, okay, I know I'm not your favorite person, but you also know that I'd help you if you ever asked me to. Something...something's wrong. I'm asking you for help."

I stop, staring at the phone, several emotions swirling through me at the same time.

"Help for what, exactly?" I ask after a moment.

"I told you, she.."

"No, Trouts, I mean are you asking me to come help Brittany, or to help you get her back? Because honestly, if that's it then I'm going to have to assume at some point whatever was left between your ears has finally dribbled out."

"I.. no that's not what I.."

"You would help me, though, right? I like that." I chuckle darkly. "I noticed how much help you were for me this year. When the only help you were into was helping yourself to my girlfriend. Did you even wait until we broke up before you started making your move?"

"I.. well.. I mean, we didn't.."

"Look, you can play the noble, good guy routine with whoever you like Trouty, but don't bother trying to play it with me, because we both know that it's a bunch of bull. You were bummed that Mercedes kicked you to the curb and looked around and Brittany was the best option left, so you decided she was your brand new soulmate, or whatever, and now when she's done with you, you come crying to me for help? Are you even serious right now?"

Yeah, okay, I may have found my angry place again.

"Okay, in case you forgot, you were the one who broke up with Brittany and whatever I wanted doesn't matter, because she wouldn't have been interested if you were still together." I stare at the phone and wonder if that is the truth, or whether she would have found another justification for it in the long run. She was angry with me long before our talk in the choir room. People underestimate how cruel Brittany can be when she puts her mind to it. Though it sounds like Sammy Boy might have just gotten a little taste of it. "So don't pretend like you didn't tell her it was just fine to date someone and then act all hurt when she actually did it." He pauses, and I grind my teeth, knowing it wouldn't do any good to try and explain my side of everything that happened between me and Brittany. He's had all year long of getting her side of the story, and he won't even consider there could me more to it. I glance at the clock. Ten minutes late now. Damn. Oh, well. She'll probably already be gone by the time I get there anyway. "And this isn't even about you and me anyway. Something's wrong with Brittany. I thought you were supposedly still her friend or whatever, or was that a bunch of crap too?"

"Whatever Brittany and I are to each other has never been any of your business." And how much grief could we all have been saved it he had considered that in the first place? "Just because you helped sing her a love song from me doesn't mean you actually had my permission to try your best to take my place in her life. And it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to lecture me on how to be a friend, unless you're going to try and pretend like you hadn't already decided to go after Brittany before the school year even started, because you're such an awesome friend."

"Fine!" He blows out a breath and I walk over toward my phone, one finger itching to just hang up on his self-righteous ass. "You're right. It's not my business. And yeah, maybe I wanted a chance with her before you two broke up, because I thought we really got each other and would be good together..."

"Well then, if you get her so much, why don't you just go figure out what her problem is yourself? In case you haven't noticed, I have a life here," I throw my arms up gesturing toward the loft and life surrounding me even though he can't see me, "and since you seemed to be trying so hard to make me watch you two dry humping on the dance floor the last time I was in Lima, I'm just going to have to assume that you two are close enough to figure out your own shit without my help!" I bite the words out and can almost feel him cringe. I throw my head back, trying to force myself to calm down.

There is a long pause and my fingers twitch toward the screen to hang up. "Ok, you're right." He says quietly, after a long moment. "I did all that. I went after your girlfriend because I thought I might stand a chance with you so far away. I thought maybe I could have someone who would stay with me this time, if I loved her enough. So then what I got was a girlfriend who was still in love with someone else the whole time, and I was just there with her because you weren't. That no matter how hard I tried, and how much I cared, that's all I was ever going to be. And believe me, in the end she made sure I understood that."

Frowning, I take a deep breath, almost hating the spark of curiosity wondering what that means. I see another call to Tina in my future.

"But just because she broke up with me, I still consider her a friend, and I still care about her. And I know that if something really is wrong, that you are probably the only one she would open up to. If you still care about her too, then I am asking you to come and try."

He hangs up and I don't move for a few minutes, staring at my phone long after the screen goes black.

"Hey, do you... Oh Dear God, Santana, what did I tell you about changing in the bathroom?!" Kurt's shrill voice pulls me out of my stupor as he glides into the loft. "And with the door open? Really? You might as well walk around with a 'please come attack me!' sign around your neck!" He yanks the door closed with a flourish.

I shake my head and turn toward him, and he pauses the moment he sees my face, hands still trapped in the shirt I was about to pull over my head.

"What's wrong?" He asks, much more quietly this time.

I sigh, taking a deep breath, "Do you think there are any seats left on your flight back to Lima?"

* * *

I feel ridiculously nervous standing outside of Brittany's house. Kurt and I spent most of the flight debating on whether or not to call first or just show up. I can't ambush her in the choir room if she's walked out of the club, and according to Tina, she has quit the Cheerios too.

And since it's not like I am going to leave a trail of food for her to follow like a freakin puppy, this is pretty much my best option.

So long as she doesn't just slam the door in my face or something. If she is in full on diva mode right now, the best I can do is just brace myself for anything and hope she's not still in the mood to punish me. I never have known quite what to expect from Brittany.

There was a time when that was the appeal. Now, it is just making me nervous for no reason I want to admit to myself.

But I close my eyes and shake off the silliness and knock on the all too familiar front door, only to have it yanked open so fast I yelp and jump backward a step. Brittany is standing in front of me, grinning in a way that is somewhere between cute and creepy. Oh boy, Trouts was right. Something is definitely up.

"Thanks so much for coming! I saw you out here and I was getting worried that you forgot how to walk again like you did that time we ate all the brownies at Puck's party and then drank the whole bottle of Peppermint Schnapps."

Blinking I open my mouth, trying to figure out an appropriate response for that, but before I can manage it, Brittany grabs my arm and starts pulling me insistently through the house so that I can only stumble trying to keep up with her.

"Come on, we have to hurry. Lord Tubbington is getting restless," she leans toward my ear and whispers loudly, "I think he has a date tonight. But don't say anything, because he's not ready to talk about it yet. So there's not much time."

"Brittany, what are you talking about? Time for wha..."

We make it into her room and she all but shoves me toward the chairs that are already set up on either side of a fondue pot with the camera already in place and an impatient looking Lord Tubbington blinking up at me from behind it.

I am beginning to suspect she somehow knew I was coming.

Feeling bewildered, I let her settle me into one of the chairs while she takes the other with an excited flourish and begins to address the camera immediately and I can only roll my eyes, "Hello again! And welcome to yet another very special episode of Fondue for Two! I am joined by my former lady lover, Santana Lopez."

I give a tiny smile to the camera, wondering how exactly I got from nervous on the front porch to taping a show in a matter of seconds. And why exactly her room smells vaguely like lighter fluid.

"Let's get started. Thank you again for taking the Lima Express all the way from New York City, again, to be here."

Oh, apparently I am going to be given a chance to actually speak now, "Well, actually Britt, I came here to talk to you, not do a show, but..."

"Well, it's the same thing." She cuts me off and brushes me off with the same gesture and I sigh again. Brittany is putting on a show, that much is painfully clear. But I have no real idea why, if there's something she's after, or is just enjoying the chance to toy with me. "So, true or false, Lady Hummel and Grandma Berry both play Bingo down at the VA and knit Alpaca mittens on Saturday night?"

I respond to her automatically, "No, no, totally false. I wish they were that exciting."

"Aw, shoot."

Getting my bearings, I decide that whatever game she is playing right now, it's not going to accomplish anything to play along. "But seriously Britt, enough is enough. I am turning this off."

I get up and shoo Tubbs out of the way before settling in front of the camera, making sure she understands that I'm done with the game, but she's not willing to give up that easily.

"What are you doing? Lord Tubbington is a stickler for continuity in editorial."

"Brittany, stop it! Seriously, what the hell is going on with you? You're acting like a completely different person and it's making me sad."

"Well, get over it. Sadness is stupid." It's cold and dismissive and everything Brittany isn't. It was there the last time we talked and I let it drive me away, let myself take it personally. I was too hurt to consider that maybe it was something going on with her and not just lashing out for the sake of punishing me.

I sigh, wondering when all of this got so complicated, if it's even possible for the two of us to ever really be just friends. I know I have to at least try.

"Britt, I still care about you, as a person and as a friend and this just isn't you."

She frowns a little at my words, and I brace myself for whatever is coming next.

"What I'm about to tell you is going to change everything, Santana."

And just like that, her whole demeanor changes. The dismissive mask she's been wearing slips and a smile peeks out.

I can't decide if the game is over or if she is just ready for a different one now. Brittany is the most complicated person I have ever known. I feel certain I could spend my whole life trying to solve the mystery of her and not ever really manage it.

Brittany chews her lip for a moment while I look at her in confusion, finally with a nervous sparkle in her eyes she says, "I'm a genius."

My brow furrows as I stare at her and wait for the punchline, because I'm pretty sure I'm the one who has been telling her that for years.

When I don't react, she tries again, more earnestly. "Like, a real one, these guys at MIT said so. They want to like study with me, or study me, or something like that. And, like, the real MIT, not that place over in Mansfield where they inseminate cows."

I laugh softly now, shaking my head.

"I knew which one you meant, Britt," I say quietly, watching the emotions washing through her and feeling suddenly a little emotional myself. "And I guess they must be pretty smart too, if they want you there."

She laughs through unshed tears at my words, her lower lip quivering and before I can really think about it, I'm standing and pulling her up and into my arms.

"They offered me early admission," she whispers into my ear. They want me to leave now. Or, I mean, like as soon as possible."

I take a breath, trying to wrap my head around that idea, and I think I understand now what this is really about.

Pulling back, I look into her eyes and see the fear and uncertainty there.

"Are you going to do it?"

Britt chews her lip and shrugs, her eyes growing a little teary.

"I'm not sure. I mean, do you think I should?"

There's more to her question than whether she should consider leaving Lima. She's looking for reassurance now about things much more complicated than a choice of college.

"Brittany, I can't make that choice for you," I say sadly.

Britt falls into me, arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders and clutches at me like she's afraid I am going to vanish or something. I am not really sure what to do but to keep holding on, so that's what I do.

After a few moments, I give up on any attempt at holding back from the familiar intimacy we have. When I start moving, she clutches tighter, until she realizes I am moving toward her bed and then she follows happily. We kick off our shoes and I slide back against her pillows, holding my arms out while she settles herself against my side, her face pressed into the crook of my neck with a happy sigh.

I am reasonably certain she also takes a few covert sniffs in the general direction of my armpit.

She starts to tell me about her trip, mumbling softly, "I guess all those numbers that always fly around in my head are like some sort of secret get out of jail free card and they said my brain like, works differently or something and they want me to, like, get my Einstein on up there and find out what I am capable of. They even said they would help me finish up with whatever credits I needed to graduate."

When she pauses for a moment to take a breath, I open my mouth to ask something but she gets going again before I get the chance.

"They said I could have an apartment of my very own on campus and wouldn't even have to pay for anything and I didn't have to take any classes I didn't want to. They even said they want me to bring those plans I had for the time machine," she giggles, a little bit excitedly, "like, no joke, I think one of them got a stiffy when I was telling them about my notes on it."

I am not sure whether I should be disturbed or excited by that. It's not exactly hard to believe that McKinley has been holding her back all this time. But the idea of leaving like this, so suddenly, has to be scary. It was hard for me and I had months to plan it. Brittany has been hiding out here in Lima for a while now, being thrown into something so far away, and away from everything she knows is probably terrifying.

"I think you have already made up your mind what you want to do, Britt."

Britt chews her lip again in a way that makes me pretty sure she's still hiding something.

"Do you think they are right? About me, I mean." Her voice grows incredibly quiet, even right next to my ear I lean toward her to hear. "Am I just going to go up there so they can tell me I really am just stupid and it was all a big mistake?" Her voice sounds so small and fragile, and I realize suddenly that this is why she really needed me here.

"Of course not, Brittany." I squeeze her a little tighter, "I have always known it was there. All you had to do was try. It just took all the nerds in Nerdville to start convincing you."

I poke her side teasingly and she laughs softly before turning her head until her face is buried in my neck. I can tell she is still insecure, so I search my brain for some way of convincing her. I wish I had the kind of insight she always had when I needed it.

But then, maybe that is the answer.

"Well, I don't know anything about your magic numbers, or quantum physics or any of that, but do you want to know how I knew?"

I feel her raise up a little to look at me.

"I knew because..the way you see the world Britt..."

She rolls her eyes and cuts me off.

"I see all the sunshine and rainbows, I know."

She says it with enough derision to leave no doubt that sounds to her like another way of calling her stupid.

"No, Brittany," I pull back, making sure she is looking at my face, "I was going to say the way you see the world is just.. I don't know... deeper somehow. Like you can see so much and so far that sometimes the regular stuff in front of you just doesn't register unless you really force yourself to look for it.

"It's like you have x-ray vision that you can't shut off sometimes. You may not always get what a person is saying, but that is because you are too busy thinking about what was going through their mind that morning when they picked out what shirt to wear, whether they are a dog or a cat person, or what their biggest secret is."

"You mean everyone doesn't do that?" She asks with a perfectly straight face and a mischievous sparkle in her eyes and I see the nerves start to fade away a little bit.

I smirk a little. "And then sometimes you are just messing with people for the fun of it to test theories about how they will respond to something, or to get them to do what you want them to do." I poke her side again and she giggles, but doesn't disagree. She has relaxed enough to settle back into my side again, her hand tracing patterns over my arm this time. And well, it's not like she can actually argue with it given that was how I wound up back here at all.

"I think that was why the world has felt so scary to you. Because you just see so much that it can all get muddled and confusing. And if it is hard to focus here, in a place you know so well, then the idea of opening up to the rest of the world has to be terrifying. But you can do it, Brittany. I believe in you. You just needed to find people who could see some of those things too, to really understand what you were saying."

I feel her nod against my shoulder, and can see a thoughtful look on her face before I settle back and let my hands trail softly, soothingly up and down her back. Because I don't know for sure what any of this means, but for now she needs me here, and that's all the reason I need to stay.

She takes a deep breath and whispers again, "I'll have to do it all alone, though."

Sighing deeply, I press my forehead against the top of her head, because I am not sure how to reassure her about that kind of fear. Moving to Louisville was scary, but I still thought I had Brittany close by then. And New York would have been completely terrifying if it hadn't been for the Bobbsey twins there to take me in with reluctantly open arms. But then this is Brittany, and she's always been so naturally brave in ways I can only marvel at.

"You're not alone, Brittany. And you won't be."

She looks up at me with more questions in her eyes that I don't know how to answer.

"I'm always here for you, Brittany. I always have been, even if you didn't always feel that way. And besides, Boston is something like a thirty minute train ride from New York."

Brittany's eyes are still filled with questions and I lick at my lip as I try and think about how hard this must be for her.

"You know, the funny thing about leaving somewhere is that it may feel like you are leaving everyone behind, but really, you're not. You're moving forward, because that's what we all have to do, even when it's hard. And even when you're not sure where you are going. It's all a big journey and you only realize that when you take those first few baby steps that you're not leaving behind the people and the things that matter to you. You're just finding your way and I think sometimes you can find that the people you care about are out there, just trying to find their way too. And you find other people along the way. And all of that, all of those people who matter, you keep them with you, because all the distance in the world won't change what someone means to you. They will grow and change, but that is only scary if you're not out there trying to grow and find your way too."

Her fingers are tracing patterns on my stomach again, taking a slow, teasing path as though she is re-familiarizing herself with the landscape. My muscles involuntarily clench at the touch and it causes her to press her whole hand down against me in a way that is a little bit more than teasing.

Britt shifts a little, one knee trying to subtly slide over my leg as she nuzzles softly into my neck, "So, like, you could come see me whenever you wanted and I could come to New York if I wanted to?"

The tingles that shoot up and down my spine feel entirely too good and entirely too familiar. By the time I feel soft kisses being pressed against my neck, I have to force myself to not start groaning.

"Um, of course Britt, but..." There's a part of me that wants to point out that she could have visited me in Louisville anytime she wanted to, but I know it's time to try and let all that go. Because I've got other things to worry about at the moment, like the fact that she's not exactly stopping and I want to whine in frustration because God this feels so good, but it is such a bad idea.

"Britt, come on..." I pat her gently on the back and and she responds by opening her mouth and sucking harder on my neck, her leg sliding over mine completely until she is pressing herself against my thigh with a deep groan.

I squeeze my eyes shut and take a deep breath before I reach down to wrap my hands gently, but firmly, around her jaw and pull her away so that I can look down at her. Her eyes are dark when I see them and it makes me gulp. She takes my reaction as an invitation and leans down to press her lips against mine.

I pull back a little. Just enough for her to pause and look at me in confusion.

"Brittany, I will always, always be here for you whenever you need me. And we can visit and talk as much as you want. But what it means for us...I'm not really sure about that right now."

The hurt that flashes in her eyes sends a sharp jab of pain through my chest. I hate that it feels like all we can do is hurt each other anymore.

"Are you dating someone now?"

I lick at my lips, because I don't really want to lie to her, but I am worried about where this conversation is going to wind up.

"Not exactly. I mean, nothing serious." I clear my throat a little, watching as her eyes narrow as she translates what that actually means. Not wanting to get caught up in that, I go on, "It's just, you're about to start something new and huge and it's going to take up all your time and energy. And I'm working and taking dance classes and trying to take the baby steps of my own right now, figure out what I want to do and who I want to be. And all of that is hard enough without adding all the time and energy it takes to really be in a relationship."

"Those sound like excuses," there's an accusation in her eyes that makes me wince, because I can't really argue with it.

"You're right," I shrug, "it might be an excuse. But Brittany, you're going off to start up this whole new part of your life, and I get that maybe it would seem easier if you had something familiar to hold onto like that. But if you were to get up there and feel like I was holding you back, or maybe find someone else you were interested in..." I swallow, "I'm not sure I could handle that." Again, I want to say, but I don't.

She seems to hear it anyway.

"Other people can be cool and fun and interesting," her finger starts tracing against my stomach again and both of our eyes seem to follow its path, "but they can't ever be you."

I understand that feeling only too well, but I still hear her voice in my ear telling me to get a real girlfriend and find people like me and how much all of it hurt and I just can't stand to set myself up for another moment like that again. Because what if Brittany is the one who needs to find someone like herself, what if there's someone up there at MIT that will get her on a level I could never even imagine. A whole new world is about to open up for Brittany and I can't bring myself to assume there will be a place for me in it, in that kind of way.

Because if I do, and there's another Sam, or Artie, or whoever, out there waiting, then I don't really think my heart can stand another blow like that. I'm afraid it would cost us everything, even the friendship I had to struggle with even to come here.

Britt can sense my decision maybe even before I have fully made it and sighs, resting her head on my shoulder again.

"If I only really learned one thing during my Super Senior year, it was that I know now that no matter what is going on, and where I am, when I can only have one thought in my head, one person I would want to talk to when I'm afraid it will be the last chance I ever get... that person is you." She sniffles, crying openly now. "And that person is always going to be you."

I don't know what to say to that, or even what to think. All I can do is hold onto her, as tightly as I dare.

* * *

Brittany eyed the dress for a long time before she could convince herself to put it on. The fit wasn't perfect, since Tina had to hurry through making them for all the girls, but there was something kind of comforting about the simplicity of it. Everything here at high school and at the glee club was just so simple and easy to understand and she knew more than anything, that was what she was going to miss.

Santana had never been simple, or easy. But Brittany had learned through the years that in the long run, it had actually made her appreciate all the little things they did together even more, because she knew how hard it had been to get there. Something as simple as lacing their fingers together as they walked down the hallway would have been impossible once, and she had learned to treasure every time it happened, even after it became an almost everyday occurrence. And while Brittany knew that she was about to head off toward something at MIT that wouldn't be easy, and was even maybe as scary as her feelings for Santana used to be, having Santana here had reminded her of how much it could be worth it to open herself up to something that was scary.

Because if things were too easy, and didn't require her to work at all, then she realized they couldn't ever mean as much as something she had to fight for.

Sam had been easy and fun. He always tried to make her laugh and smile any way he could. But being with him was like eating nothing but chocolate and cotton candy every day, and endless, all you can eat basket of Halloween candy. But as delicious as cotton candy is, it wouldn't ever fill you up. And it eventually gave you a stomach ache and made your skin break out because what tastes good and what is good for you isn't always the same thing. And then after a while, when there is nothing but sweetness, even that doesn't taste as good. You want something salty, or sour, or just different somehow.

Sam was endlessly sweet. Sometimes, Brittany felt a little bad for wishing that there was something a little salty, a little bitter, under there somewhere.

Because being with Santana was more like a mystery twelve course meal. You never knew what you were going to be served next. And sometimes it was even a little bit gross or bitter. But then there would be something so amazing and delicious that you would have to savor every single bite and wish you could have that dish over and over again. But then the next time it would be something else that was maybe more amazing, or surprising, and then you would realize that it was the variety, and not knowing what to expect that made everything so delicious in the end.

Now was one of those times that Brittany didn't really know what to expect. She didn't know what the next course would be or even if she would be served an empty plate and left hungry in the end.

She had sort of expected Santana to come over earlier, to encourage her to show up for Regionals, to help her get ready and maybe fix her make up. Brittany had thought she could maybe work that into stealing a couple of kisses, because she could just say that the color of her lipstick wasn't right and it needed to be mixed with Santana's to be perfect.

All the candy in the world couldn't stop her craving for Santana's sweet lady kisses. Even when they were a little salty, or even bitter, they were always just sweet enough to always want more.

But Santana hadn't come. She had only sent a simple text telling her what time the New Direction performance was supposed to be.

So, with mixed feelings, Brittany got ready on her own. She braided her hair and fussed with the way her dress didn't fit exactly right.

When she got to the school, she could hear the dull echo of a performance in the auditorium. With the doors closed it seemed so far away. Like a different world. A different reality from the one she was in now. And Brittany's heart hurt a little as she realized that this wasn't her world anymore. She was only here to make one last visit, one last chance to say goodbye to all it was and all it had meant to her.

It was scariest of all to feel like an outsider already in this place that had been her home. It was scary to realize that where she was going next, she was going to have to go alone.

When she opened the door and made her way down to the family she had grown to love so much, she chewed on her lip, realizing that a part of her wanted to just pass by them all and move up beside Santana. To take her hand and feel like maybe her new reality wasn't going to be quite so lonely.

But before she could even decide how Santana would respond, Sam turned around and saw her. And she let herself fall into a cotton candy hug once again.

When the other team had finished, the club had gotten up to go back and prepare for their performance. They greeted her with smiles and more candy hugs, even though she had been so mean to all of them. She caught Santana's eye as she and Kurt trailed along behind, and her former girlfriend gave her a small, encouraging, genuine smile.

She knew Santana wouldn't have told anyone her news. Even though it might have made it easier on her to have everyone congratulating and encouraging her without having to say anything or apologize. There was a time, maybe even not very long ago, when Santana probably would have done that, more interested in protecting and sheltering Brittany than anything else. But now, she would stand to the side, not willing to help, but close enough to support her.

For a while, Brittany had even wondered if Santana would head back to New York rather than showing up to watch a performance Brittany hadn't been entirely sure she was even going to be a part of. But she was there. Somber and silent, and probably as uncertain about what was coming next as Brittany was, but she hadn't run back to the safety of the life she was building for herself.

As she took a breath, Brittany thought about all the people milling around inside the familiar walls of the choir room and what they meant to her.

Santana hushed the room with a simple clearing of her throat and gestured them all into a circle. With a watery smile, Brittany thanked her and tried not to tear up more at the troubled uncertainty that filled Santana's features. She tried not to think about what it would be like to walk away, from this place that had taught her to appreciate needing and relying on other people, feeling like she was now completely on her own.

They all looked at her expectantly and so she took a breath and tried her best to tell them all what they meant to her. For once with no games and no teasing and nothing but just the simple honesty that was in her heart.

This was the place for simple honesty. For uncomplicated and unconditional acceptance. This was where she had figured out who she was and what was really important to her. These were the people who would love her even though she acted like a bitch diva and told them all off, because it was easier than just telling them she had to say goodbye.

So now, even when it hurt to open herself up so much, she offered them the goodbyes they deserved.

So she took the time to tell them all how she really saw them and really felt about them, because she couldn't think of anything that she could say that would really mean more. Honesty was something that came both the easiest and the hardest to her, but she gave it to them all anyway.

And when she came around to Sam, she wanted him to know that his cotton candy hugs had been there for her when she really needed them. And even though she had already told him the truth about why they were through now, she wanted him to know who he really was in her eyes, beyond just the noteworthy features of his face. And that she was going to miss the simple fun they had together, and his endless sweetness.

But then there was Santana. And Brittany had no idea how to tell Santana all the things she saw in her, all the things she had meant to her. There weren't words big enough to describe it. Even that huge number that people up in Boston were probably still geeking out over wasn't big enough to match what Santana had been to her, here.

She wished there was a sentence that was like that number, that would describe how beautiful Santana was, and how she made Brittany feel when she looked at her like she was the only person in the world. And then if you read it backwards, it would say what it felt like to fall in love with Santana in the back row of this room, of how much every tiny moment, every little brushing of the fingers and secret smile had meant to her. Then if you spun the letters around, it would tell everyone that Santana was the one who had seen something more in her, before anyone else could, and long before she could ever see it in herself. Santana had been the one to see it in there somehow, and to find a way to give Brittany the courage to start believing it herself.

Brittany wanted to tell her the truth, that she was Brittany's constant. Santana was the part of her life that caused everything else to be possible and to make sense.

Even without the words, it felt like Santana could hear her anyway.

And it hurt so much. It hurt to think about saying a goodbye to someone who had meant everything to her.

Santana didn't let her say it, maybe because the thought hurt her just as much.

So she went out on the stage and threw herself into the performance as much as she could. It didn't mean that much to her anymore, she had other worries and other goals to start striving for, but this was for the family she had grown to love and she wanted to give them the very best performance she could. Brittany also wanted to get lost one last time in the joy of expressing herself that she had learned to appreciate on this stage. She wanted to be free and have nothing else matter other than the steps and the words and the music.

And then it was over too quickly, and she felt tired and drained, but still happy.

When New Directions was announced as the winner, she smiled and clapped and enjoyed the hugs as they all celebrated their victory, even though she knew for certain now that it felt like it was theirs and not hers anymore. They filtered off the stage, jumping and clapping and hugging and happy because they would move on and head to Nationals and try their best to win it one more time.

But Brittany let them go. The future they were excited for didn't mean that much to her anymore. What mattered to her was this moment on the stage, what it felt like to be here. All the memories and all the emotions she had experienced here. It hurt so much to think about leaving it all behind.

She sat on the stage, wanting to hold onto this moment for as long as she could, mostly because she felt so uncertain about what was going to come after.

She watched the audience slowly filter out, until it was nothing more than empty chairs and the memories they took with them. There was still a part of her that would, if she could, trap this moment in a bottle and stay inside of it forever. It was safe here. Things made sense.

But they would all leave eventually, no matter how much they loved it or it meant to them. Just like Rachel did, and Kurt, Santana, Quinn and all the rest. Holding on like Finn was trying to didn't seem to be any easier. This place was like a fireworks display. It was exciting and amazing, and then it was over with and time to find the next amazing adventure in her life.

It wasn't until she heard the soft clicking of her heels that Brittany realized what she had been waiting for.

Santana walked up to her with a bittersweet smile on her face and for the first time, Brittany understood a little bit of what it must have been like for her when she walked across this stage to graduate last year. How scary and uncertain she must have felt as she tried to start finding her place in the world and how much harder it was to have Brittany still here, wanting to stay in this firework feeling forever.

She understood that Santana had tried her best to never leave at all, because she didn't want to do it alone.

Of all the times Santana had held her hand out to Brittany, to link pinkies or hide under napkins, to offer support or just enjoy the feeling of connection, this time felt a little different somehow. Maybe it was because this was the first time that hand was there just for Brittany. Not for the girlfriend, or teammate or secret lady lover or any of the many things they had been to each other in this place.

Because when Santana offered her hand this time, it felt more like it was the start of something brand new. And when she reached for it, Brittany had to smile, because she understood then what Santana had been trying to tell her before.

That just because she was leaving didn't mean that she would be alone.

She fell in step with Santana easily as she lead her away from where her former teammates had disappeared. They took the long way around, as she cuddled into Santana's shoulder and they took one last tour of the place where their story had begun, each step making it easier and easier to believe that it didn't mean their story had to end.

As they approached the choir room together, the joyous sounds of celebration muffled and distant once again Brittany stopped for a moment, smiling a little at the way Santana stopped and waited for her without question.

"You ready?" she asked after a moment, the loaded question hanging heavily in the air.

Brittany shrugged, not really sure how to answer.

Santana gave her a crooked smile and then leaned over to press their lips gently together. She laid a supportive hand on Brittany's back, comforting her without pushing, as she turned and walked through the door into the unknown.

* * *

_Next I am going to do a little smutty prompt fill for my friend Misty, to make up for the fact that there wasn't any here, and then on with No Excuses, which I promise is still coming. lol_


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